Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
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If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.