5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
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Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing