[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
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They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.