Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
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It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
This did not end as expected.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
calling in to work dehydrated
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here