me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
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[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
doing your own taxes
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Kidney stones? Hard pass