I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
You Might Also Like
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.