HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
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Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Smooooooth
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
I have no passwords left in me
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
ouch
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN