I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
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I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.