Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
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My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes