I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
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If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
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As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.