6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
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I think about this a lot
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.