16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
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the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
opening a flower shop called women in stem
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??