Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
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I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
We decided to have money instead of children.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.