Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
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[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.