*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
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“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.