<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
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“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
So the ex texted me
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Follow me for more fitness tips.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool