who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
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They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.