[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
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Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Ironic
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.