Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
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I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.