*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
You Might Also Like
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.