Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
You Might Also Like
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”