I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
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My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass