A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
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[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys