There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
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*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree