Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
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Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Tastes like chicken.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.