I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
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[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Overindulged this afternoon.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.