“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
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Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
This is hilarious….
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door