I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
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If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.