Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
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SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.