ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
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I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
What number SPF blocks people?
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
And then there were 4
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.