You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
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LOL
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.