me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
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I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.