Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
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Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly