I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
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I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Just a phase…
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz