Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
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[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Cats (2019)
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”