Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
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You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.