[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
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being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.