Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
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alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.