[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
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My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
WHO DID THIS?
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000