if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
You Might Also Like
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.