I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
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life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?