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*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow