Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
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This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
I would like even faster food.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?