Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
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I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
The glockness monster
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
is nasa ok
welp
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice