Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
You Might Also Like
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
How all things should be taught/explained.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time