Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
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Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”