everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
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Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.