❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
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The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.