I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
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my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or