I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
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Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
This rocks
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to